what's left

It is one of the many silent nights, and my footsteps that are climbing towards that moment are wavering. Left. Right. Left. Right. There is one more step in front of me, and I am still unsure if I should take it. Unsure of what comes next if I do take it. Why I began this idiotic climb with all this uncertainty, I still don't know.

An overwhelming amount of thoughts, images, and emotions have somehow cycloned into my head with no way out. And then I do it. Left.


What's left of me is a pile of bones. And muscle, and skin, and organs, and blood- but hardly any life. Little demons have infested me during this time of vulnerability. They've settled into my stomach and tied everything into knots; pulling and tugging, and it seems as though they feed on my begging and pleading to stop.

***

I should be the last person complaining as it is my own actions that put myself in this suffering, and what is worse is that I have dragged you down and tenfold. If I could, I would feel all the pain for the both of us because I've been selfish and inconsiderate, and I know- how could I do this to the person who loves me the most? I know that no amount of apologies can heal those wounds, but I need this to know where my heart lies.

I have this unyielding fear that my feelings might have faded over time and that I was continuing on this road because of its familiarity and security. It is unfair to both you and I, and I hate how it's become a struggle for me to give my whole heart into this relationship. I am not strong enough to admit those feelings to the world without doing what I had to do, and I didn't want to entrap us in a circle of lies if it ended up being the truth that my heart isn't in it anymore. Hovering over that last step, I had to make the decision because I cannot stomach the thought of having to make the climb again at a different time. And so I held my breath and did it; I spoke the words that would pierce through our hearts like the sharpest dagger and I am so sorry for that. Maybe I should have tried harder, persisted for longer, or given up more for you, because so far, uttering out those words have done nothing but plummet me down to rock bottom. Yet, what's even more terrifying to me is the fact that I might be lying to myself and lying to you if I didn't.

And so I am sitting here as my stomach churns and my eyes water and my heart clenches into a feeling that no physical pain could ever compare, yet I can't help but think that this is what I need to realize what is true. The guilt cuts through me and I am shredded to bits. That is what's left of me; and so please, wind, just blow those bits away for I am too undeserving to live in this luxury.